"What's The Word? - Thunderbird!": Rep. Hill Pushing "Bum Wine" Sales In Tennessee Grocery & Convenence Stores

A recent blog entry by Rep. Matthew Hill's adoring mouthpiece and internet toady Jama Oliver is citing a newspaper article reporting that Hill is supporting the sale of wines within Tennessee grocery and convenience stores --- presumably, this means that Hill is also favoring the sale of the low-cost, high alcohol "bum wines" or "ghetto wines" (fortified wines) favored by down-and-out alcoholics and underage drinkers at Tennessee grocery and convenience stores. For a very clever and informative (if not sadly entertaining) review of bum wines, I found the following excerpts from the Bumwine.com web site:

Bumwine.com


Thunderbird
17.5% alc. by vol.

As pictured to the left, look for the pigeon feces and you'll find this old bird. As soon as you taste this swill, it will be obvious that its makers cut every corner possible in its production to make it cheap.

Self-proclaimed as "The American Classic," Thuderbird is Vinted and bottled by E&J Gallo Winery, in in Modesto, CA. Disguised like Night Train, the label says that it is made by "Thunderbird, Ltd." If your taste buds are shot, and you need to get trashed with a quickness, then "T-bird" is the drink for you. Or, if you like to smell your hand after pumping gas, look no further than Thunderbird. As you drink on, the bird soars higher while you sink lower.

The undisputed leader of the five in foulness of flavor, we highly discourage driking this ghastly mixture of unknown chemicals unless you really are a bum. A convenience store clerk in Show Low, AZ once told me that only the oldest of stumbling indian drunks from the reservation buy Thunderbird. Avaliable in 750 mL and a devastating 50 oz jug.

The history of Thunderbird is as interesting as the drunken effects the one experiences from the wine. When Prohibition ended, Ernest Gallo and his brothers Julio and Joe wanted to corner the young wine market. Earnest wanted the company to become "the Campbell Soup company of the wine industry" so he started selling Thunderbird in the ghettos around the country. Their radio adds featured a song that sang:

What's the word?
Thunderbird

How's it sold?
Good and cold

What's the jive?
Bird's alive

What's the price?
Thirty twice."

It is said that Ernest once drove through a tough, inner city neighborhood and pulled over when he saw a bum. When Gallo rolled down his window and called out, "What's the word?" the immediate answer from the bum was, "Thunderbird."

WARNING: This light yellow liquid turns your lips and mouth black! A mysterious chemical reaction similar to disappearing-reappearing ink makes you look like you've been chewing on hearty clumps of charcoal.

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Night Train Express
17.5% alc. by vol.

Don't let the 0.5% less alcohol by volume fool you, the Night Train is all business when it pulls into the station. All aboard to nowhere - woo wooo!

The night train runs only one route: sober to stupid with no roundtrip tickets available, and a strong liklihood of a train wreck along the way. This trainyard favorite is vinted and bottled by E&J Gallo Winery, in in Modesto, CA. Don't bother looking on their web page, because they dare not mention it there. As a clever disguise, the label says that it is made by "Night Train Limited."

Some suspect that Night Train is really just Thunderbird with some Kool-Aid-like substance added to try to mask the Clorox flavor. Some of our researchers indicated that it gave them a NyQuil-like drowsiness, and perhaps this is why they put "night" in the name. The picture (above right) shows that the subject that drank Night Train is down for the count, while the Cisco guzzling subject is ready to rock. Guaranteed to tickle your innards.

Liquor stores are starting to be infiltrated by a 13% variety of MD 20/20 Red Grape.

There is also a new "Blue Raspberry" flavor with "BLING BLING". Even the lowest functioning of bums will know not to get swindled out of 5%.

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Cisco
18% alc. by vol.

Cisco is bottled by the nation's second largest wine company, Canandaigua Wine Co., in Canandaigua, NY and Naples, NY - the same company as Wild Irish Rose.

Known as "liquid crack," for its reputation for wreaking more mental havoc than the cheapest tequila. Something in this syrupy hooch seems to have a synapse-blasting effect not unlike low-grade cocaine. The label insists that the ingredients are merely "citrus wine & grape wine with artificial flavor & artificial color," but anyone who has tried it knows better.

Tales of Cisco-induced semi-psychotic fits are common. Often, people on a Cisco binge end up curled into a fetal ball, shuddering and muttering paranoid rants. Nudity and violence may well be involved too. Everyone who drinks this feels great at first, and claims, "It's not bad at all, I like it." But, you really do not want to mess around with this one, because they all sing a different tune a few minutes later. And by tune, I mean the psychotic ramblings of a raging naked bum.

In 1991, Cisco's tendency to cause a temporary form of inebriated insanity led the Federal Trade Commission to require its bottlers to print a warning on the label (above right). The FTC also forced them to drop their marketing slogan, "Takes You by Surprise," even though it was entirely accurate.

Read the FTC's full investigation on their own web page at this link.

Since those days, Cisco is harder to find outside the slums, although the FTC's demonizing of the drink only bolstered its reputation for getting people trashed. Anyone who overlooks the warning and confuses this with a casual wine cooler is going to get more than they bargained for. Cisco will make a new man out of you. And he wants some too.

Our research shows that Cisco is actually the second best tasting of the five great bum wines, especially if you're having one of those hankerings for cheap Vodka, Jello and Robitussin. We must also note that Cisco is the best of all 5 bum wines at putting the darkest and puffiest bags under your eyes.

The nuclear-tinted color of "Cisco RED" is reminiscent of diesel fuel. Most Cisco flavors are named by the fruit flavor that they are trying to emulate, but the one picture is simply called "RED." This chemical disaster will get your head spinning in no time.

A test subject reports, "Strawberry Cisco has a bouquet similar to that of Frankenberry cereal fermented in wine cooler with added sprinkle of brandy for presentation." The sticky, sickingly sweet taste with a hint of antifreeze really comes through in the repellant taste of Cisco.

Avaliable in various flavors, 375 mL and 750mL sizes. Down a whole 750 mL and you had better be ready to clear your calendar as you suffer through Cisco's legendary 2 day hangover.

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bumwine.com's Friends Comments - 1/2 metal human
Jan 24 2008 10:07 PM

worst experience of my life? strawberrty cisco followed by 3/4 of a bottle of nighttrain.

i was feeling fine...even pretty good after 3/4 of the bottle of cisco. i was with my brother and i remarked to him that i was feeling pretty drunk.

after that i dont remember drinking the nighttrain. he related to me that i drink most of it, started laughing and crying cause my "friend in the bottle" couldnt get out and that i was mandated to free him. he tried to get me to write things down and i guess i told him i wanted to poke his eyes out with the pen in my hand. i apparently crawled around on the ground for a while, groveling and muttering strange things. he then threw water on me which was a tragedy for me because i guess i thought water was acid and it was going to burn my retinas away.

i away [awaked] the next day around 4pm feeling very awful. the hangover lasted for about 2 days afterward. it was the most painful experience in my life. worse than almost having my leg amputated. i cannot believe i actually drank Satan's piss.

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BumWine.com - Rankings

The great street wines are pretty much evenly priced, and range between $1.10 and $2.80, depending on the tax and transportation costs in your area. Of course, with all five, the first sip is always the foulest. You will feel a trail of flames all the way down your esophagus and into your stomach.

We do not recommend chugging any of these beverages, but you don't want to drink too slow or it will get piss warm. The bottle tells you to serve very cold, and we recommend heeding those words.

Nobody in any of our tests dared to drink more than 750 mL, and we do not recommend even that much. Go with the 375 mL bottle where avaliable, and see how that sits with you before proceeding. Anything more and you are risking a black out. Don't drink too much of any of these or you might find yourself at the local middleschool sniffing bicycle seats. You may even worship the sun.

There is no word yet from Rep. Hill as to if he will be attaching an amendment onto this wine legislation that will provide state grants for Tennessee grocery and convenience stores to construct the many steam grates need for the next generation of Tennessee winos to sleep off their cheap and easier-to-purchase intoxicatants during the cooler days and nights.

You might also want to check out the Red White and Food blog churned up by the Tennessee Grocers and Convenience Store Association political action committee.